I have endless amounts of homework. Its so endless. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Its so endless that I know I won’t have time to socialize. Its so endless that it feels like I have to run miles and miles that are neverending. Its so ENDLEEEESSSSSSS. Why does Buddha not give me the power to be ascetic so that I won’t have to care about this homework.
I want to move to Japan where everything seems to spur around serenity, politeness, and class. I hate people here. I hate snobby bitch ass people who act like they know everything. I also hate nasty hood rat kids roaming the streets acting like they’re the shit. I hate people.
So i have an impossible dream of mine that will never happen :). When I graduate highschool I’m gonna move up to San Fransisco for school majoring in an art of some sort. Then I go from place to place to paint murals(fucking impossible), I meet some young lad who dresses fashionable as hell. Hes funny and has a sense of humor, up to date. We do on dates and eat everything but never get fat. He rides bikes and tells me stories. I go home to visit, bringing him along. We go back. I get a dog and its a shiba inu. I travel to Japan for one summer. I meet people. I eat food. I come back for school again. and then the dream is impossible so it never ends.
that last year’s stress was 10x less than this years stress. Its only been 3 weeks of school and I’m already failing a stupid class. What is wrong with me. I want to live not study. I’ve got too many things going on at once. I need to learn time management or I’m screwed but then again I love sleep and people and the OUTSIDE world. D: I hate school; specifically I hate daily hw and unnecessary stupid class conversations that I don’t care to contribute to.
I really enjoy being alone, not depending on someone else. Taking care of myself and my problems, because at the end of the day, I’m all I got. I feel as if a lot of people aren’t worth my time, actually, I just feel like I’m in a different world than others. I feel like most relationships don’t last, which is why I’m not that hungry for one. But there’s a part inside of me that wants a relationship. However, I’d want our relationship to be unique and special. I don’t want to waste my time, effort, and heart.. I mean, does anyone? But.. I also know that everything ends. Life ends, relationships end, etc etc. It happens all of the time. So how do you know if a relationship is going to be how you want it to be? You just don’t know, so you have to take that risk. But when you take a risk, you put your heart at risk. You become vulnerable. You immediately become vulnerable to heartbreak, and trust me, heartbreak is one of the most gruesome pains one can ever experience. So back to being alone.. I really like it. You know what, I actually somewhat like the idea of falling in love.. rather than the whole process of falling in love. It kind of saves you the trouble. The feeling of being loved, though.. is perhaps the most wonderful feeling you could ever experience in life. I don’t know. I feel as if no one should go and try to look for ‘love’, or a relationship. Just let things fall into place. That’s what I think. Love is patient, so you should try and be patient too. But then again, there we go back to that one thought.. the thought that you might just never meet someone that will satisfy your needs. You know, we get so bored easily. When we have too much of something, we as human beings tend to throw away those things, like nothing. I get bored of people easily. I really do. I like interesting people. Weird people. Unique people. People who are out of the ordinary. Life’s too short and dull for boring people. Don’t you think? At the end of the day, all I want is a lot of money, good food, nice clothes, genuine friends, and a faithful lover. That’s all.
What goes on in my head, that I can not put into words. This.